Whenever I blog I tend to lay everything all out on the table. I’m open. I'm honest. I’m raw. I’m unfiltered. But lately my SO helped me realize that that’s not actually the case in real life...
A lot of times in my life I could use so much help but I don’t actually know how to ask for it. I was recently told that people are unaware I need help because I always seem like I have everything under control. The reality is I’m overwhelmed & freaking out inside but apparently that’s not what everyone else sees. I’ve always been in a position where I had to 'be on'. There's no time to stop and process and there’s no time to think about my own well-being because I have to keep going. I've always felt, if no one else does it how will it get done.
To paint a clearer picture, I can give an example from my personal life. When I decided to leave my ex-husband my son was only about six months old. Everything happened super fast. One day we were living life normally and the next I decided he needed to get the f*ck out. Two days after that, I realized staying in that house was not what I wanted, so I packed up in a day, took my baby and left. There was no time to cry about it, nor was there time to actually process what I was actually dealing with (which was a lot). I had other sh*t to worry about. I’m leaving my apartment and leaving my husband...where am I going to live, where is my son going to go to school, how am I going to keep my job (Actually, I had just accepted a job offer and now that I was leaving the Bronx I actually had to call that job tell them I no longer wanted the job and then I had to ask my current job for my old job back). But the point is, I had to figure all of that out in an instant. I never have time to fully heal myself because I’m so focused on how I’m going to get out of my situation and how I’m going to make it better.
I realize the fast way that I process shit is not always a good thing, but that's just how my brain works 🤷🏾♀️. If you read any of my other stuff you know that I suffer from anxiety (among other things). I can’t get myself stuck in that downward spiral so I rather just inundate myself with a bunch of things to get this done. I try to take on the impossible. It seems insane and quite honestly... it is. I guess it’s because I’ve always been by myself. I have my mom and she took care of me financially and physically but I feel like, emotionally I took care of her. It’s been the same way with any other situation. I’ve never had anyone look out for my emotional well-being and I never really looked out for it myself either. So now I’m in a position where I’m entering in a relationship with somebody and they actually give a shit and I don’t know how to just slow down and say what’s going on with me so they could actually have the opportunity to try to help me because they actually want to. *Breathes after intense run on sentence* I’m just not used to someone caring enough to actually want to help me. And that’s fucking sad.
I never realized how much more I need to allow people in. It’s more than just a blog post. I need to put this to practice in my day-to-day life. In order to have healthy relationships with people, I need to be able to show them all of me, including the vulnerable side that I often pretend doesn't exist.
This long winded post was just to say:
I need to slow down. I need to learn to ask for help. The weight of the world is not on my shoulders. Other people can assist me if I allow them.