Therapy f*cked me up this week. It's crazy how a 45 minute session can get you to reveal things that you didn't even know still mattered. This week I realized how much an experience from my past shapes the way I operate today.
Some say that cousins are your first friends and siblings are your forever friends. Welp, I'm an only child, so siblings are already out of the equation. As for cousins, the (very) few that are close to my age all have siblings who are also close in age. From a young age this always caused me to feel somewhat alone. I recognized that the bonds siblings share was something different. When I was kid/teen I had what I thought was a best friend. We called each other 'sisters' and for years I believed that. Then in high school that friendship came to a screeching halt. The short version. She asked me to do something (to get her out of a situation), so I did it. Apparently it was a test (aka a set up). She went around telling people of how I betrayed her blah blah....when in reality I did what she asked me to do. On top of that, she bad mouthed me to our mutual 'friends', twisted my words to turn people against me, messaged my boyfriend at the time to tell him I was cheating (I wasn't; however, she was cheating on hers), she even hacked into social media accounts of someone close to me and sent out crazy messages pretending to be that person. This bullshit went on from high school all the way into college. She was f*cking nuts and I was traumatized. (I later found out that she had jealousy that stemmed from elementary school 😑...crazy) That situation actually sparked my first trip to therapy. It was so bad that my therapist had to involve my parents because I was underage and having suicidal ideation. That entire situation taught me while she may have siblings I'm definitely NOT one of them.
Before this past Saturday, I hadn't thought about this person in years. I guess I buried the whole ordeal deep in my subconscious. My therapist noticed a pattern of me not trusting/letting people fully in. While trying to figure out the root of my issue, this old situation came up. I was in tears over something that I didn't even know still mattered. Lately I've been feeling the isolation in quite a few areas of my life. My friendships dynamics are shifting, I've been single for almost 4 years and I often get left out when it comes to my dad's new family. The situation with the ex-best friend trained me to be self-sufficient and always live with the expectation that I'll have to survive on my own. For years I convinced myself that the only person I truly need is me. However, I'm not a robot and still desire human connections whether it be family, friends, romantic, etc. I care, even though I sometimes pretend I don't.
Part of my healing is learning to change my own self-destructive behavior. One person or situation shouldn't dictate all of my experiences. I didn't fully realize why I am the way that I am, but now that I'm aware, I will be more mindful when forming new relationships. I also realized that I don't have to be so tough all the time. I'm fortunate enough to have a great core group of friends now. Friends I can lean on when I need to be vulnerable. This weekend taught me to be thankful for the people in my life that have been consistent. I may not have always showed it in the past, but moving forward I will make an effort to show love & appreciation to those close to me.