My Long-Term Situationship

So on an earlier post I went in on a guy I previously dealt with. Well today I'm here to bring my own stupidity to the forefront. This guy....we'll call him Miles...

I have stories for daaaaays about him. But for this post we will focus mainly on my f*ckery in the situation. Miles was the first p̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶ man I hooked up with after my divorce. I went into the situation fully aware that he was f*ckboy and that this was a purely physical/as needed situation. We had an understanding, which was great. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that he was going to be better in bed than anyone before (and during and after) him.

Keep in mind my situation with him happened a long time ago. I haven't seen him in over a year at this point and he's still the best. It pains me to admit that but honestly, I blame myself. I let the situation go on entirely too long. I dealt with Miles for 2 years. TWO WHOLE YEARS. I let the situation go on for two full years knowing damn well it was leading to absolutely nothing. And like I mentioned we had an understanding so we were living our own individual lives the whole time we were dealing with each other. He was sleeping with who he was sleeping with and I was dating and meeting other people while still gettin mine 🤷🏾‍♀️. People warned me and thought that I would get emotionally attached by sleeping with someone for so long but honestly that wasn’t even the case. The emotions were minimal. The issue was when you do sleep with someone for that long of a time, you get comfortable with each other sexually. They know what you like and vice versa so it’s hard to find someone that can compare. So now every time I hook up someone new it’s difficult because they don’t really live up to what I was used to getting for the past few years. That was really shitty on my part because I shouldn’t be comparing anyone to anyone else so I was dead wrong for doing that. I never want to write someone off for an experience that takes time to be truly great. Miles had 2 years to get it right. I was being unfair and ridiculous. Yet another reason why I hopped on the c̶e̶l̶i̶b̶a̶c̶y̶ 'only have sex when it matters' train. I'm hard headed y'all. Sometimes it takes me doing the absolute most for me to change.

But anyway dealing with him made me realize that sex alone wasn’t enough 🙅🏾‍♀️. It also made me realize that I was selling myself short by spending a big chunk of my valuable time with someone that I was only compatible with sexually. Sex with him was clouding my judgment. Yet I kept going back over and over and over again and next thing you know it was two years later. I tried the honesty approach multiple times and told him I was looking for something real (not from him). He’d respond with typical f*ckboy rhetoric. I’d get annoyed. I would block him. Then I would get bored, lonely and/or horny and unblock him. Then I would wait like a day and of course he would reach out. But honestly I knew what the hell I was doing. I missed the attention so I invited and encouraged the foolery. This was the cycle that I allowed for a long time. Eventually, I got it together...

I said it before and I’ll say it again: “I don’t care what I allowed before, I’m not allowing that shit today!” It has been well over a year since I’ve seen Miles face-to-face, but I finally cut all communication with him around the end of 2018. Blocked on all formats. And now when I block numbers I take their name out my contacts. My block list is just a bunch of random numbers and I don’t know who they belong to. Sounds excessive, but I have to do what works for me 😂. I know how easy it is to slip back into old habits 🤷🏾‍♀️. By keeping the communication going, I was leaving that door open. I have to take responsibility for what I was allowing in my times of loneliness. I’m finally in a place where I’m enjoying being by myself. The dream is to have someone that fulfills me emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. Having all of that takes time and I need not waste it on someone who doesn’t have the same vision. So until I find my match, I’m chillin & staying f*ckboy free😎.