It's just not for me.
So I debated for a minute whether or not I should discuss sex/relationships on my blog. Unfortunately, there are A LOT of opinionated people in the mom blog world. Initially, I hesitated because I didn't want to damage potential partnerships. BUT....I am who I am. I'm allowed to have a life outside of being a mother. Sex happens to be a part of said life. A mother?! Having sex?! Shocker, I know. That being said, let's get into it...
Once my 9+ year relationship ended in 2015, I went a little crazy. By crazy I mean wild and by wild I mean promiscuous. 2016 and 2017 were the years of the ho phase (more tales on this at a later date). I know 2+ years might be considered long for a 'phase' but up until then, I was faithful to 1 person since high school so cut me break. At the very end of 2017, I decided to attempt to be celibate until I was in a relationship. Key word being attempt. I failed by February. 🤷🏾
In February, I met a guy. Let's call him Dave (because that's his name). Just like Pennywise, Krusty, Bozo, Ronald McDonald and many other circus folk, Dave is indeed a clown. At that time, I was looking for some entertainment so he served his purpose. As I mentioned, I wanted something substantial but he made it glaringly clear that he wanted 1 thing and 1 thing only. Against my better judgement, I agreed to it. The casual 🍆 appointments began. He always took care of me first, which was unlike my previous f***boy encounters. This is how I rationalized (ha) the casual thing. At least I'm getting mine out of the situation. After about 2 months of weekly (sometimes 2x a week) visits to each others' apartments, it ended. We both happened to go on separate vacations at the same time. When we got back neither of us contacted the other.
Cut to a few days ago. I get messaged on WhatsApp:
Random Number: Tina! I've been looking for your number forever!
Me: Um Hi. Who is this?
🤡: This guy lol *insert picture here*
Me: Oh. Hey.
🤡: I lost your number when I got a new phone. I should have known to check WhatsApp. How Are you?
Me: 😒 I'm good.
🤡: *Makes some comment about me looking good* I wanna come see you its been a while.
Me: Well I'm celibate now, so I'm sure your visit will not be what you're expecting.
🤡: Celibate?! Why the change?
Me: Waiting for someone who values me. I get nothing out of casual sex.
🤡: Oh wow. But I miss seeing you.
Me: Again, celibate so if you're not coming here for conversation don't bother. Wouldn't want to waste either of our time.
🤡: LOL you know you want this.
Sir, it has been ONE WHOLE YEAR since we've met. You and I both know you are entirely full of sh*t. You didn't save my # just like I didn't save yours. Don't insult my intelligence.
Anyway, I've realized that food and sex were 2 of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. While I continue to struggle with both, I'm making small changes. I realize casual sex just isn't for me. It's a temporary fix and 9/10 times it isn't even that great of an experience. So I've decided to only have sex when it's meaningful. Meaningful might sound vague but I beat myself up too much when I failed at the celibacy thing. I'm grown and if I want to have sex, I can. I can live with myself as long as that intimate moment means something to me.
"When you do clownery, the clown comes back to bite" -Mo'Nique.
Part of my healing is calling myself out on my own bullsh*t. I know I shouldn't do some things, but I do them anyway. So I can't act all surprised when the BS follows me because I'm the one that allowed it in the first place. However, I am allowed to set boundaries and it is up to me to cut out those that don't respect said boundaries.
I don't care what happened before, I'm an improved me and I'm not allowing that sh*t today.