*Trigger Warning* I recognize that this is a sensitive topic for many. I sympathize with anyone who may want children but are unable/having difficulty to do so. I wish you all the best. That being said, what goes on with my body is my choice. This post is about me specifically. The following post may be hard for some to read. If you think you can look at this from an objective point of view, please proceed....
I’m done having kids. As I type this, I can hear the reactions that I hear all the time:
-What if you change your mind? (I won’t)
-What if you meet a man that wants kids? (His wants have nothing to do with me. He should find another woman.)
-Don’t say that! I would love to have kids. (Again, what does that have to do with me? Also, my kid is almost 5. Have you even once offered to help me baby sit?! No! So mind your business and stay out my uterus.)
People are so quick to offer their unwanted opinions on my choice but those people don’t have to live my life, I do. And what I want is to never have to raise any more kids. Please notice that I said ‘raise’ because the next thing people say is ‘what about adopting?’ You know I’d still have to raise the kid after adopting them, right? No thanks. One and done. When I see other moms, usually they seem super happy and their life revolves around their kid. For some people, children are their dream. Children are not mine. I wish I could say that baby fever kicked in and I wished for a big family, but it just never happened for me and I’m positive it won’t. I love my son and step children could be great, but I have 0 desire to have any more of my own.
For a long time I kept my feelings to myself because I didn’t really have anyone that could relate to it. Like I mentioned before, it’s a sensitive topic and if I spoke my feelings on it, I was usually looked at as an insensitive asshole and/or a shitty mom. Or maybe for a while that’s just how I felt about it. But I’m not apologizing anymore. I’m entitled to my feelings, no matter how unpopular they may be.
Sterilization was something I’ve wanted to do for quite some time. With the exception of a couple friends, I pretty much kept it to myself until my surgery date was locked down. While I wasn’t ashamed of my decision, I wasn’t in the mood to hear other people’s opinions about it. About two weeks before going under the knife, I decided to tell my mom. Her reaction: “I knew from the moment I held you that I never wanted another one.”
To some people, this sounds horrific, but to me: Music to my ears. Finally, I found someone to relate to. Pregnancy was absolutely terrible for me and raising a kid is hard AF. I’m just trying to raise 1 well adjusted kid. I don’t have the capacity to do that multiple times, nor do I want to. One is more than enough for me.
For me, I feel like I never really got a chance to live for myself. As a kid I lived to please my parents, then I lived to please my (ex)husband and now I live for my kid. JJ didn’t ask to be here and he is my (and his dad’s) responsibility. He will always be the priority in my life. However, I realize that in taking care of everyone else, I never truly nurtured/took care of myself. In order for JJ to be well taken care of, I also need to take care of myself. I need to be my best, to give him the best. Over the past couple of years I’ve been figuring out the things that I truly want/need, instead of what everyone else expects for me. That’s one of the reasons I opted for sterilization.
The day after Christmas I had a Bilateral Salpingectomy, which means both of my fallopian tubes were removed. After years of being on every type of birth control under the sun, I finally found a method that works for me. All the hormonal options didn’t work well with my mental illness and having a copper iud didn’t sit well with me. So I chose the permanent option and I’m so happy I did. I was excited pre-surgery and I’m even more excited post-surgery. I feel free. Sore...but free. I did what was best for ME.
Thanks to all those that have been super supportive. You guys truly are the BEST! To those that are still mad about it, I’ll be awaiting your babysitting offers. Also, childcare/child support ain’t cheap. I accept cash, PayPal, Venmo, Zelle and CashApp. Thanks in advance.