I was dishonest.....

I deleted my last post. The one praising my ex. Was he a good dude, questionable. Howver, the rest of the post was complete bullshit. Let me explain....

So for those of you that missed the post, I was basically saying that he did nothing wrong and that I wasn't ready for him. Not true. The reality was he was still bitter about past situations. That bitterness poured into our relationship. I got the shittiest version of him (which he admitted). I didn't get the effort that the ones before got because he felt he shouldn't give his all to get hurt in return (Even though I caused 0% of that hurt and was giving my all). I gave and gave and gave. When he FINALLY started to reciprocate, it was too late. I was already drained and feeling resentful. 

​I am the president of the save a wounded bird club

To paraphrase Amanda Seales "I am the president of the save a wounded bird club". And that is where I constantly f*ck up. I'm the type of person that is constantly trying to improve myself. I tend to latch onto those that are going through shit mentally. I feel like since I want to improve, so do they. But, not everyone is me and I need to learn that I can't control anyone but myself. It's not my business and I need to distance myself from that. Especially when I get so emotionally invested that I end up drained in the process. I'm working on that.
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When it comes to relationships I need to avoid it completely. I realize it diminishes my confidence. Like with my ex. Technically that was a situation that wasn't supposed to spark a relationship, but it did. It was doomed from the start. When for months you hear about how he did XYZ for this person and then your relationship begins with a none of that, it fucks you up. Like damn, do I not deserve to be treated like a queen? It's a bit hard not to compare when they are throwing the comparisons in your face. That being said, all this proves is that I have to ramp up the self-love. If my confidence and self-love was where it should be, I wouldn't be drawn to the dysfunction. I want those that want to do the healing work FOR THEMSELVES, not for me. Not just wanting to do it....actually taking the steps to do so. I know I still have work to do, but I am constantly looking for ways to improve myself. I can never blame anyone else for my issues when I allow certain things to happen by inviting it in. It's okay to want to help, but my responsibility it to focus on my own health first!

I DESERVE MORE. I WILL STOP SETTLING FOR SCRAPS.